I have not logged onto this site in a scary amount of time, have not felt able to for so many reasons. I didn’t really know if I had anything to say. I had been so proud of myself for the way I had been showing up here, as often as I did and for how long I kept it up for. But that pride has also kept me away for a long time too. I have been scared that if I did try to come here again and see if I had something I might want to share with you, that it might be short lived. That maybe I would not make it back here for a long time again. I have been scared of finding out if my words are still there, somewhere within me, and what might happen if I could not get them to flow. I have been scared of what that might mean for my sense of self, for these words and the sense of purpose they have always given me are something I cherish so deeply, I don’t know what I would do without them. Of what that would mean about who I am and what kind of life I might live. For despite feeling lost and having been in some kind of survival mode for longer than I wish to admit, I always had this hope, that at some point I might find my way back here and remember why I started writing in the first place. I had hope that even though I had not shared anything for so long, that someday they would become a part of me again, a part of who I am.

I realise now that they have been with me all along. I have been so focussed on finding a ‘way back’, of one day feeling better enough that I may be able to show up for myself again. I’ve been so tired of treading water and waiting for something to change. For so long I have been telling myself that I just had to wait. Wait until life feels more stable, wait until certain things change before I can seek out the other changes I have been so desperately yearning for. I waited, and the changes I thought might be coming my way did not work out. I thought I had found a turn in my path that would solve so many of my frustrations, and yet it ended up in a rejection that I am coming to believe was more of a blessing in disguise. It didn’t hurt in the way I expected. In fact, it gave me the push I needed to stop hiding behind it all, to stop waiting and waiting for life to magically become what I hoped it would. I had had enough. And so I got brave, as though the rejection fuelled me in a way I had needed, and yet not realised. As I write these words, I sit in my new home, and realise that maybe I am taking some tentative steps towards coming home to myself, to this project, and to the parts of myself that I forgot for a little while as well.

Life has been so hectic, so loud that I have not been able to do anything other than exist as best I can. Nothing bad had really happened, I know this all sounds rather dramatic. I just found myself in a place where the pace was too fast for me to keep up. Too much to do outside of myself that I lost the capacity I used to have for turning inwards. I have learnt so much these past months, year I suppose, lessons I did not realise I was learning, did not realise I needed to learn. Lessons on what happens when you do not set boundaries around yourself and your time. Lessons on what makes me feel alive, and what brings me purpose, and what life can feel like when I allow them to slip away. But it has also brought me so much joy, amidst all of these lessons that I feel I will need time to process and fully understand. I have met the most incredible people in a place where I expected it least. I have met some people I know I will call friends for life, people who have brought a smile to my face on days when the stress began to feel too much, people who have made me feel as though I have begun to put down roots here in this strange country that we all decided to call home. I have met people who bring such joy and laughter and nourishment to my soul and for that I am so so grateful. So even though I have not been here for a while, I feel more ready to be here than I have in a very long time. I feel ready to let go of all this stress and tension and remember what truly matters to me. I have been so scared of what I might find if I truly looked inwards for all these months. Scared of what kind of an impact this time away might have had on me. But I am coming to realise that somehow the timing of all of this feels right. As though the last chapter was not so much about diving inwards, but of experiencing outwardly. Of creating connection with others, in real life, instead of with myself in such a deep way like I used to. I now want to learn how to find the balance between the two. I want to learn how to show up here again, as well as out there. I want to get to know myself in this way again, to see what words may pour from within, and see where it might take me. It feels a little scary to share so openly once again, when I have been so focussed on processing feelings and thoughts in the privacy of my journal for so long. But it is the kind of fear that I know will do me good to push through. To see what awaits on the other side.

I don’t know how often I will be here, in this space, sharing with whoever is still out there and interested in what I might have to say. I don’t know what my practice will look like these days. But I am so proud of myself for being sat here, typing these words, even if it is just this once.

The Images from this post are from a recent trip to Sweden, where I felt more peace than I had in the past year. I feel as though it was there that the seeds were planted that have allowed me to show up here today. The clarity I found on that trip spurred something within me to seek out the change I have been yearning for for so long. They were the first steps along the path I now find myself on. I am excited to find out where it may lead.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x