I wrote today’s post in my dedicated notebook for the first time in forever. It felt refreshing, like an unexpected homecoming that I had been yearning for for so long.

It has been an incredibly long time since I picked up this notebook. I used to spend hours, once a week nestled within its pages, but somehow I was surprised at how many pages were filled with my words when I opened it back up this morning. I forgot how often I found my way here, sharing whatever truth was in my heart that day. I’m realising that the key for my not having shown up here for so long, most likely lies in the fact that I think I lost sight of why I truly wrote here at all. Any brief or infrequent return to the blog has been fuelled by a random spark of inspiration or some kind of guilt for no longer showing up in the way I used to. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I could no longer bring myself to show up like before. I worried I was weak for not having the discipline to ‘make’ myself write anymore. I didn’t trust that I would find my way back here in my own time, tried to hold on too strongly and ultimately ended up pushing myself away in the process. I couldn’t understand what I needed to find my way back here.

I had become so good at being honest and vulnerable about what I was experiencing and feeling each week, but all of a sudden that vulnerability felt itchy and uncomfortable. It felt wrong to keep forcing myself into it. And so I took a break. A long one. I’m not entirely convinced it is over yet, but I guess only time will tell. Something changed today, though. I was reminded of why I write, why this project began in the first place. I was asked to explore “when I feel the most me". My answer surprised me, and yet makes perfect sense at the same time.

I feel the most me when my words are flowing through me. I feel as though I am channeling from somewhere deep within me, I feel alight and brimming with passion. I may be physically alone, but somehow I feel anything but. I feel so deeply connected to myself. Through my words I am witnessing the truest version of myself, honest and unwavering. I write so that I feel less alone, to help you feel less alone too. I may have forgotten that for a while. I forgot how powerful it is to witness myself staring back at me from the page. How connected to myself I feel with a pen in hand and words flowing through it onto a page. I realised where the seed for this project was planted while I journalled today. I found a puzzle piece that I didn’t know was missing.

My whole life I have been made to feel as though I am too much, my feelings are too big, too…everything. I think my writing is my way of saying fuck you to all the times I was made to feel that way, to anyone who has made me or anyone else feel as though they feel too much, are too much. It is a way to heal that part of myself that was told time and time again to shrink or hide my feelings, to shove them down until a more convenient time. This narrative kept me small for so long, caused me so much pain until the day I found comfort within the pages of my first journal. I had never felt so seen, so understood as I began that vulnerable conversation with myself. There is nothing more powerful than understanding and connecting with yourself in that way. Nothing more healing than giving your feelings a safe space to be witnessed and felt. Through words I learnt that my feelings are my magic, my life-force. They are my guiding light and the dearest of friends. I learnt how to witness and honour the messy, complicated, all feeling being that I am, and to celebrate that instead of it being a reason to shrink myself small.

We all feel. We are physically unable to turn our feelings off. We can numb them, ignore them, shove them down as much as we want, but they will always exists. Nothing good comes from pretending that they don’t. In realising that this project comes from a yearning to heal that wound within me, to in turn heal wounds within you, I feel more connected to it than I have in months. I am remembering why I chose to show up here, week after week and expose parts of my soul wrapped up in words. I write because I have to. Because I don’t know who I am if I do not. The scratch of a pen upon paper is what my very soul is made of. My words are a mirror through which I can connect and understand myself in a way that is not possible without them. They are my life force, my magic and my purpose. I was made to share them, and I am so glad I have been reminded of why it is worth pouring my heart out onto this page. I write to reach out a hand to each and every one of you, so that each of us might feel a little less alone in a world that tells us to tone ourselves down and feel a little less. I write to offer us all permission to feel the depth of our feelings, to take pride in what they tell us about ourselves and who we might be. I write to connect each of us to the magic that is our feelings, in a world that tells us it is better not to feel anything at all.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x