the thing that changed my life.
Another Friday, another week gone by. Time is passing by so quickly I can barely keep up. We’re six months into 2021 and even longer into this pandemic life that none of us saw coming. Its difficult to know what the next six months will bring. It feels more promising, as if we’re approaching the light at the end of the tunnel and yet I’m struggling to trust that it’s real.
part of me is scared to dream of the possibilities more freedom will bring to our lives, scared to allow myself to believe it will actually become reality any time soon. But another part of me doesn’t really want to imagine and dream much beyond my current reality because believe it or not I’m a lot more content than I was pre-pandemic on the whole. (A privilege I recognise is not the case for everyone.) of course I miss things from ‘before’, the security of existing within the bubble of university, the convenience of living round the corner from my best friends and being able to see them whenever I wanted, the freedom we all took for granted. Yet in the falling away of my day to day life, things i was unhappy also fell away. Getting back to basics allowed the slate to be wiped clean and I was able to analyse and examine almost every aspect of my life to determine what I wanted to maintain and what I wanted to leave behind. I took myself to pieces and have slowly been putting myself back together in a way that feels more true to the version of myself I’ve always wanted to embody but felt too entrapped In all that other ‘stuff’ to fully embrace.
In having to lose all momentum and come to a sudden halt, suspended in a limbo also known as lockdown, I was able, for the first time In my life to take a moment to decide which direction to head in next. I’ve always had the next thing lined up before the ending of the current chapter, always had a plan of action of what came next without really taking the time to consider it properly. And yet the plan I had lined up for myself this time last year filled me with dread before I even followed it. It felt too safe, I could see myself withering and dying, losing all momentum, using the same excuses I always have to not go out and truly explore what the world had to offer. I felt as though I’d come to a crossroads, one path I couldn’t bear to follow, the other so uncertain I didn’t know where the first step would take me. I had a gut feeling that although the latter was so unclear it was unsettling, it would lead to more than I could have imagined. I knew it would be scary, I knew it would be hard but looking back It was the only path thAt led forwards instead of back. I’m not sure I’d have found myself at this crossroads if two changes hadn’t occurred in my life.
the first of these changes was the dawn of the pandemic. Lockdown changed everything for everyone, everywhere. Life as we knew it pretty much dissolved before our eyes in a matter of days. The shrinking of my everyday life triggered a hunger i had never experienced before, a hunger for discovery, exploration, for more. I had the strongest urge to leave everything I’d ever known behind, to break free from my comfort zone and finally start living my damn life, to stop letting fear hold me back from doing anything other than what I knew to be safe and comfortable. It was during this time that the second change really came into play, despite having been slowly building momentum and having impact on my daily life since the new year. This change was incorporating the practice of journaling into my life.
I’ve always loved writing but the whole ‘dear diary’ thing always felts a little cringe and embarrassing to my younger self. I had, on occasion, vented my frustrations out on paper, namely about boys and their mysterious ways that I still struggle to comprehend and think I always will. I knew it was a practice that led to clarity and release but it was a tool I didn’t fully utilise regularly or truly understand it’s power until last year. Spending so much time at home, unable to socialise or life your life leaves a lot of free time to contemplate. My brain was bursting with all the things I was realising with nowhere to go. I turned to a journal to regain my sanity, to get the intensity of everything I was feeling and experiencing out of my head in a way that allowed me to sort through and make sense of it all. It was a lifeline, the only thing that kept me sane and even remotely emotionally balanced during a pretty terrifying and overwhelming historical event we haven’t left over a year later. Journalling was a way to make sense of this longing for more, to start to understand where it was coming from and which direction I hoped it would lead me in. Journalling allowed me to find the courage I needed to take those first steps into the unknown, to make a decision at those crossroads of which path to follow. It quite literally changed the course of my life.
had I not begun to listen to myself and my intuition, I wouldn’t have packed my bags and headed to France for an indefinite period of time with no idea of what would follow that chapter of my life. I wouldn’t have spent what ended up being two and a half months delving deeper into myself and my inner wisdom. I would not know myself as I do now, would still have no awareness of my place in the world and how to navigate owning it. And I most certainly would not be sat here writing this blog post for a site that I paid for for over two years without utilising properly. I wouldn’t have rediscovered my love for pouring words onto the page, I wouldn’t have embraced this gift of passion for writing that I have been blessed with. I wouldn’t have embraced my calling, my truth, my authenticity as fully as I am. Without journalling I wouldn’t be nearly as grounded and sure of myself. I owe so much to this practice of checking in with myself. It led me along a path towards the courage I needed to follow my heart and move to Copenhagen, a city I knew not a single person in, based upon a fleeting feeling of peace I’d experienced two years ago. Journalling almost every day about both the bug and little things has led to a cultivation of gratitude and awareness of it all. It allows me to reflect and acknowledge all I have, all that has shaped me, allows me to discern which narratives serve my highest good and which are holding me back, forcing me to stay small and play it safe. It allows me to witness my emotions down to their source, to express the,, feel them, give them the Soave they need to expand before dissipating and passing by. It allows me to take care of myself, to see in black and white, on paper, what kind of relationship I have with myself. It allows me to consciously change the narrative if I need to and gives me the power to take control of both my inner and outer worlds. Journalling is one of the most incredible tools we have to allow us to live a rich and meaningful life of connection, authenticity, gratitude and presence. Believe me when I say it has the power to completely change every aspect of your life for the better.
alright my friends, that’s enough preaching for one day. I wish you a restful and blessed weekend. And for anyone who has been even remotely inspired by this passionate ramble, I’m going to work on a more in depth, practical guide of sorts in the coming weeks. Not as an expert but as someone that wants to share the magic of this practice with as many people as they can. I hope it allows you to experience the positive impact of such a simple yet powerful practice. Telling You this is my way of attempting to hold myself accountable, I hope it works.
happy Friday my loves x
if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.
big love to you all x