This is one from the archives, that I somehow never got around to posting. There is a small backlog, from moments where I have found the courage to show up here despite it feeling hard and scary to put myself out there again. But I just read it back to myself, some 5 months later and it of course ended up being exactly what I needed to hear in this moment. It make me think that perhaps it might be for you too. enjoy.

I think Sundays are becoming my favourite day of the week. Since moving house, I've been able to truly prioritise the things that feel so meaningful to me that I have been unable to for a while. Working two jobs and splitting my free time between two different homes did not leave much space for consistency. I may only have one job and one home now, but I still have a plenty of feelings. I always will.

Having this new space to make a home is beginning to heal a kind of burnout that I had become so used to feeling that I forgot what life was like without it. This new home and the life I'm building here feels as though I am remembering how to breathe again. I am building routines, showing up for myself in ways I truly have been unable to for so long, doing things in the evenings and at the weekend that creates such a sense of childlike awe and joy that lifts my whole heart. But I am still struggling.

With this new space comes a grief for all the ways I've been hurting in the chapter that I am slowly closing out. My joy lives alongside a grief for a version of myself who longed for the life I'm building for myself now. It is difficult to juggle these two opposites, to balance them and allow myself to fully feel what needs to be felt. I've been fighting with both sides, avoiding acknowledging the sadness and grief for fear it will scare away the joy, while also fighting fully sinking into the joy for a fear of not being deserving of it. And so here I am, writing a reminder for myself and anyone out there who might need it too.

Feelings can be messy. They don't fit into neat little boxes, cannot be contained, organised or controlled into showing up in a certain way or a certain time. We can't choose what we feel most of the time, but we can choose how we feel all the feelings that exist inside of us. We can choose how to hold ourselves through sorrow, stress, grief or anger. We decide how to sink into our joy, creativity, curiosity or passion. We can choose how we feel, we can choose when and where and how we allow our feelings to exist in our bodies. So often it feels easier, safer, to not allow all these feelings to bubble up and have space within our day, within our bodies. But the thing is, feelings don't just go away or disappear, even if, especially if, we choose not to feel them all. Pushing them away just buries them, pressurising within our bodies until our body forces us to feel them. Delaying our feelings does more harm than good. If we are delaying sadness or delaying joy, we are still delaying ourselves the chance to truly experience the moment we are in, in its full, true depth. I know that so much in our world tells us that big feelings are a bad thing. That feelings are inconvenient and uncontrollable, that having big feelings is called being an emotional mess. I know how that can make someone like us feel, and I want you to know you are not alone in this struggle. But my love, I also want you to know that your feelings are meaningful and that they mean that you are alive, and that is a magical, beautiful thing. Your feelings mean that you are doing the incredibly brave and beautiful thing called living your life. They are what make us human, and we should not feel shame for such a thing. The truth is, as nice as it would be, we will never be happy 100% of the time. It just isn't possible, but that can be a beautiful thing if we let it. Allowing ourselves to feel all that is present within us is allowing our hearts to be held in their truest, most authentically honest forms. The depth of our feelings can be our superpower if we let it. Being so incredibly brave as to embrace each and every one of the feelings within us in a world that tells us to numb, avoid and suppress it all is the most freeing, beautifully selfish thing we can do for ourselves. Feelings connect us. To ourselves, each other, the world around us. Imagine feeling nothing at the sight of a sunset, our loved ones, a moment that could be pure magic. Imagine feeling nothing when someone upsets us, wrongs us, or tries to put us in a box we don’t belong in. Imagine feeling no passion when you witness something that could break your heart wide open, in both sorrow and joy. We are made to feel, this world made to be felt. And we must allow it to be so.

Let your joy be joy and open your heart to it. Let your sorrow be sorrow and hold your heart through it. Allow your heart to be what it yearns to be, free. Allow the messiness of it all within you and embrace this thing called living. It is the only thing we must do.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x