I’m struggling to articulate myself today. This is my second attempt at writing this weeks post, the first one scrapped in frustration of not knowing what I wanted to say, what direction it was all headed in. So here I am, attempt number two, trying to honour that, to give the topic room to breathe and to give myself space to find the right words to explore it. But that leaves me with a bit of a dilemma in the here and now because I really don’t want to break the promise to myself of writing at least once a week. How do you write when you don’t feel you have anything to say?

I feel so much resistance building up in my body with each word I write. A narrative threatening to take over telling me I have nothing important or insightful to offer, that I am a fraud calling themselves a writer. Ive fallen into the trap of listening to this narrative on more than one occasion and it put me in a funk that lasted days, weeks even. I really don’t want that to happen again. So, what’s the alternative? What reminder do I need to reassure myself with?

I think many of us (especially creatives) have been negatively impacted by the attitudes of hustle culture. The idea that our worth is directly correlated to our productivity levels, that rest is something to be earned and a schedule is like a bible that must be worshipped. The thing about this kind of attitude that runs far deeper than how unhealthy and unsustainable it is, is that it does not allow for the natural ebb and flow, the seasons through which our creativity shifts. This kind of work is about so much more than sitting down at a desk and working through a to-do list. There is so much more at play when you’re literally pouring pieces of your soul into whatever project you’re working on. Energy levels, emotional stability, inspiration, concentration, distraction, comparison, confidence, basic human needs and so many more ingredients must come together in harmony to allow the creative juices to flow freely. Any one of these things being our of balance, either in excess or depletion, changes the recipe and so influences the outcome. Sometimes taking a break and allowing your cup to refill is more productive than forcing yourself to run on empty. Sometimes you have to accept that the recipe won’t quite come out perfectly and be ok with concocting an alternative that will either lead to miracle or disaster and that both outcomes will teach you something. Sometimes making it up as you go along with the limited resources you have to hand allows you to let go of all that pressure surrounding achieving the perfect end result. Sometimes the magic is found In losing yourself in the process, in the act of surrendering to your creativity and seeing where it may take you. These are the lessons I’ve found most difficult to learn and yet will ultimately be the ones that set me free. They take time and easily get lost underneath the cacophony of doubt, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, procrastination, burnout and existential crises. It can feel so good in those moments when you’ve mastered this art of letting go, of surrender, of flow. But you’ll inevitably fall off the wagon at some point and lose sight of the fact that this creative life is lived in seasons. It can feel suffocating.

listening to that roar of voices competing to draw you further away from your art, from the manifestation of your soul into the physical, it drowns out the voices that tell you why you have committed to this magical life of creative practice. It drowns out your why’s, your hopes, your inspirations, and passions. It drowns out that voice that is so uniquely yours that no other could even attempt to replicate it. I don’t think it is a coincidence that in the year I found the power of stillness and presence, of turning within and coming home to myself is the year I’ve created most authentically and aligned with what lights me up inside. This newfound awareness of my self, my soul, my being, is allowing me to determine the difference between which internal narratives come from this senSe of deeper knowing and which have infiltrated from the outside, whispering words of doubt and uncertainty in my Ear. This repeated return to the present moment as often as I can really helps keep those voices at bay. that return my breath, my body, my truth allows everything else to fall away. Sometimes this is the hardest thing to make myself do. Sometimes I have to drag myself kicking and screaming from the pits of procrastination, self doubt, self deprecation. It doesn’t always look pretty or peaceful or ‘zen’.

Sometimes it looks like sticking my fingers into deep wounds and rooting around until I find the cause of all the Pain and resistance. Sometimes it looks forcing myself to put down all the distractions and face all the aches and pains and tension I’m holding In my body, sitting with my racing mind and letting those negative thoughts pass overhead in the hopes it allows for clearer skies to break through. Sometimes it looks like sitting down with a blinding, blank piece of paper in front of me, picking up a pen and starting with a word, a line, a paragraph, forcing the words out and listening to myself until the blockage is cleared.

everything I’ve said today comes back to this. Each day we show up to this creative life looks a little different to the last, a little different to the next. What we need may be the last thing we want. We must learn to listen, really listen to ourselves. To sort through all the noise, all the complaining and resisting and doubting, and find our way to the very core, very root of what our bodies and souls are asking of us. To ask ourselves in as many moments as possible “what do I need right now, in this moment?” And then to give it to ourselves. Truly, fully, completely. With no conditions or trade offs. Give ourselves exactly what we need, simply because we need it. When we are no longer living a life of conditions or trade offs or earning the rights to basic physical, emotional and spiritual needs, everything else has room to breathe.

it all comes down to that first, most basic need.

inhale.

exhale.

return to your breath and you return to yourself.

The only place you need to be.

home.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x