on being here, now
We’re all in such a rush.
where are we rushing to?
the next day, month, year, decade, death?
we count down the minutes until the end of class, Friday night, the holidays, graduation, birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, retirement, then what? It saddens me to notice how much of our lives we’re wishing away, rushing towards these small moments of freedom in which we allow ourselves to put down the heavy load and appreciate the present, giving ourselves permission because they’re milestones that we will never experience again. In those moments we feel a lightness and joy that feels rare in our day to day lives and so we continue on this chase towards these milestones in the hopes that we experience more and more moments in which we feel that way again. The rest of the Time we’re hustling and knuckling down, sacrificing all In the name of progress, widening the gap between that lightness of being and the heaviness of all that responsibility. What if I told you that joy and lightness was not only reserved for life’s big moments? That the only reason those moments feel in such stark contrast to the rest of our realities is because they are the only moments we consciousLy choose to feel that way. We have the power to choose how we feel, what we choose to feel and when. That is a fact I have only just come to understand, a fact that although true, can at times be hard to accept.
Each and every day we choose to believe certain stories and narratives about the world, ourselves, the things that happen to us and the people around us. They shape the way we feel and exist in this life, they determine the path we follow and the things we choose to spend our time doing. These narratives shape a formula of sorts, a guidebook to life and how to live it and yet we rarely stop to question who wrote it and whether they knew what they were talking about. We all too easily accept ‘the way things are’. I am guilty of this, we all are. Its a terrifying thing to stop and question everything you thought you knew. Its exhausting to put a magnifying glass to all the things you have always believed to be true and ask yourself whether you truly believe them or whether you believe them because you think you should. Rewriting these narratives means carving a path for yourself that no one else is following, it means choosing to walk alone instead of amongst the Crowd. And yet it is also the most liberating thing you could ever do for yourself. Changing your path means giving yourself space, space to breathe, space to feel, space to be. It means finding a way to live the most authentically, a life that is fully your own. It means giving yourself the freedom to follow your hearts desires wherever they may take you, without worrying about what everyone else is doing.
I’ve said this many times but life is just a collection of moments, of little things and big things that we experience. It is the heartbreak, pain and difficulties as well as the joy, happiness and laughter. Living a full and enriching life does not have to mean mean wild success and recognition, hustle and grind, big milestone after big milestone. It can be if that’s what truly fulfils you, and only you know whether that is your truth. Living a full and enriching life means being present and aligned with all that makes you you. This kind of Life is a byproduct of seeking the joy and magic, embracing the lows and soaring with the highs. It is following the things that light you up inside, it is found in moments of defeat and dejection. Life is what we live in between those big milestones and defining moments. We must learn to not only put down our troubles and be present when these occur but in as many moments as we can. Joy and happiness is not only reserved for those big things. I read this somewhere and it’s really stuck with me as I write this today.
“Big joys and small joys are the same.”
Nothing is more true than this. I used to live life running away from the present, towards those big joys, to the point that I rarely allowed myself to feel joy at all. Presence was something i never really understood, it didn’t appeal to me because I didn’t know how to appreciate the air of possibility that resides in each passing moment. I never really liked the life I was living in the present, it felt uncomfortable for me to force myself to stay in moments I didn’t enjoy, to mindfully experience moments I didn’t want to be experiencing. But the more I ran away from being present the less I enjoyed my life as a whole. I would escape myself by burying myself In my past, allowing negative emotions such as shame and guilt to whisk me away from the dissatisfaction I was still feeling with my life in the present. Or I would camp out in the future, placating my dissatisfaction with the shiny promise of what was yet to come, grasping at maybes and hopes just to feel something, anything positive. But I was missing out on my life then and there, I was letting it all pass me by without a second of awareness, acting on impulse and dealing with the shame and regret afterwards as I continually acted out of alignment with myself. I feared being intentional, carving that path of authenticity out for myself because I was scared to be alone with myself and all that heaviness.
The dawn of the pandemic was a wake up call for me, a turning point marking the transition from before to after. Being forced to slow down and be alone with yourself, to live in the present because that’s the only moment you have and learning not to take it all for granted was a lesson I needed to learn. Its empowering to see how far I’ve come on this journey, this learning to appreciate the small joys as well as the big ones, this questioning of everything I’ve ever known about anything, this life of intention and presence that I am learning how to love. Ive never been as content with my life as I am at the moment. And not because life is perfect, believe me it is not. I have days where I feel depleted and worn out from fighting the same internal battles over and over again. I question myself on the regular, doubt threatens to overwhelm me and fear attempts to suffocate me. And yet I am happy because I have come to accept that these are things I will always have to face. Embarking upon this path alone means having my own back, it means more opportunities to doubt myself because I am veering away from what is safe and known. I am no longer consumed by my thoughts and feelings all the time, be they positive or negative. I allow them to wash over me in awareness, letting them have their room to breathe and pass me by. In understanding that life is fleeting, in accepting that the only moment we ever have is now, I have found a freedom I never expected to be there. A freedom that takes daily reminders and constant work to keep hold of, but a freedom nonetheless.
Tuning into that presence is the life force of the fact that “big joys and small joys are the same.” Presence is what allows you to feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair and realise the real miracle is just being alive. Presence is the key to a rich and fulfilling life. It is the pillar upon which all else is built. And learning to embrace it is the most important lesson one can ever learn.
if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.
big love to you all x