I didn’t really know what to write about this week. I caught a cold and my brain has been pretty foggy. Anyone that knows me well will be very familiar with how hopelessly bad I am at being ill. I hate being forced to rest, I feel frustration towards my body for letting me down and I become impatient for the moment my health will return to me. Oh and I complain. A lot. I struggle with feeling guilt for taking time to rest and nourish myself at the best of times, let alone when I desperately need it. Nonetheless I took it easy this week and I’m finally beginning to feel better.

Being ill for the first time in what feels like forever really reminded me of the importance of showing up for yourself and listening to what you need. We so often put everyone else and their needs before our own, afraid to appear selfish or disappoint anyone. I've always been terrified of this, my life has been one long battle to avoid this becoming reality at any cost. But I’ve realised that meant letting myself down in the process. For so long I lived my life on someone else’s terms. Whose? I don’t really know. I just went along with what those around me did, never speaking my mind or following my truth or putting myself first. It’s been really hard to come to realise how little of my life I’ve lived in the way I wanted, always influenced by ‘should’s’ instead of wants and needs. So much of my inner world is a tangled mess of all of the voices that have influenced my life and how I’ve lived it. Sometimes I can’t hear my own voice above all the clamour. It takes a lot of work to disentangle the mess inside of your head, to learn which voices and narratives come from your heart and which have taken up residence from the outside world. I am on a mission to finally let myself be heard, by me. To listen to myself before I listen to anyone else. To show up for myself as often as I can, in whatever ways I can. To let all the noise fall away until I can finally come home peacefully to myself.

I firstly want to say that I’m fairly sure this is a lifelong commitment, this journey home. It is not a destination you arrive at, inner peace and self acceptance. It is a garden that must be cared for, nurtured, every single day. New seeds must be planted and what already resides must be pruned so that it may flourish. Each season will come and go and your garden will experience change and unpredictable weather. You must learn what each corner of your garden needs, what nutrients it lacks, what’s holding it back from growing and thriving. Water your garden but also don’t forget to take the time to stop and smell the roses. Put in the work but remember to take a moment to revel in the beauty and tranquility that surrounds you, tended by your own hand. Take the time to let it wash over you, feel the suns warmth on your face and breathe in the fresh air. This garden is your mind, body and soul. Tend to it each and every day. Show up for yourself in ways that make you feel peace, light and energy.

The recipe for my tranquil garden is one that is not yet perfect. I’m learning as I go. Sometimes the sun shines bright and my flowers bloom in every vibrant colour of the rainbow. Sometimes the fog rolls in and the sky hangs heavy and grey above my head. Sometimes the soft, sweet spring breeze ruffles the leaves and promise lingers in its wake, other times the cold permeates all, onsetting periods of hibernation and nesting. Each season of life brings along different conditions in which we need to nurture ourselves. We must learn, trial, fail, try again to determine what we most need in order to thrive at any given time. At the moment I need more rest than before, moments of quiet and stillness and allowing myself to just exist peacefully in this garden of mine. I’ve been working on pruning my garden, pouring care and love into a space that has been starved of it by my own hand for so long. This season of rest and care feels frivolous and indulgent, I feel unworthy of it. I’m so used to being pulled in a million different directions, pouring all my attention on things outside myself. Nevertheless I’m learning how to tune out that voice, prune away the narrative and give myself the love and care I know I deserve. I am moving slowly in the every day, doing what nourishes my soul. I’m reading again, every day. I’m writing and journalling more than I ever have, digging deep and coming to understand the roots from which I have grown, words pouring out of the cup I have filled with tender care. I’m taking moments to just be, allowing everything but the rise and fall of my breath to fall away, just for a short while. I am stretching and strengthening into myself with my yoga practice, connecting with every inch of my body and soul. There are voices within that are repeatedly questioning the validity of spending my time in this way, nudging me to do more, to get up and become something. I am learning to let these refrains pass me by, to not allow the winds of doubt and insecurity blow me off course. I am showing up for myself by truly listening to myself and what I need for the first time in my life and that is huge in and of itself. If you take anything from this rambling brain dump of a still ill, sleep deprived gal, it’s this : Please take the time to tend to your garden. Make it a priority. Tend to your garden before you tend to anyone else’s. Learn what you need to do to thrive in all your beauty and vibrancy. Dig deep and really get in tune with what nourishes you.

Self care and growth does not mean starting from scratch and curating a whole new garden for yourself. It’s not making a new space in which to reside and spend time that’s shiny and new and untarnished by time and weather. You will not be any happier in a space like that than the one you have always had. The grass is greener where you water it. True growth and self care and self improvement is the radical act of learning to accept yourself, to love what you already have. To see the beauty in where you came from. It’s taking the time to tend to the garden you’ve had since the day you were born, no matter how back breaking or time consuming the work might be. It’s about pouring love and care and light into yourself and not apologising for doing so, until you can’t help but bloom and blossom into the precious soul you are. It’s about cutting away what drains your energy and resources to make way for new growth and life to come through. It’s about tending to the parts of yourself that you shamed into a corner to wither and die, allowing them to come to light and seeing the beauty in every part of you. Self care is about caring for your garden, nurturing it so that it may become somewhere you enjoy spending time, a place you feel alive and free and full of light and energy, hope and inspiration. Self care, growth, improvement is not about uprooting everything you’ve ever thought, felt or gone through that did not serve your highest good. it’s about being intentional in how you rename those things, redirect their growth and allow them to blossom into a more uplifting entity. Fill your garden with things that make you bloom and thrive. Pour love and light and peace into yourself, do the things that make you feel alive and most in alignment. It will take time and effort and require a great deal of patience. But it will be worth the wait.

if you want to hear more about my journey towards a more authentic existence, follow me on instagram @the.authenticity.project and on medium . see my photography work on instagram @s.ophiea.lice and connect with me on linkedin.

big love to you all x