on getting a bit lost

I took a little bit of a break. Let me explain why. I feel the more time goes on the more I am finding my voice. Its getting clearer and clearer to me what I want to say and put out into the world, becoming more sure of what I am here to do which I have come to realise is to write. Its been a realisation that has been a long time in the making, its involved coming to terms with the fact that it doesn’t really have anything to do with what I’ve committed the last four years of my life to studying. I am learning to let go of the pressure I feel to make those four years worth it, to use what I learnt and make a living out of it, when in fact that would mean being untrue to what I feel is my calling. I’m trying not to feel as though by doing so I am allowing all the stress and exhaustion to have been for nothing, to remind myself that I wouldn’t have come to the realisation had I not gone through the growth and discovery that my years of study set into motion. I am learning to reframe my purpose and sense of self away from the identity of a design student towards the more encompassing identity of creator. It feels more authentic, less pressured. The vagueness of it gives me room to breathe, to explore my many creative interests rather than shoving myself into one box, one category in life. Creator of words, of stories, of pictures and of things. An all encompassing name that covers the messiness of all the things I feel called to do. I created the authenticity project to have a space to share an honest documentation of what it was like to be me, at the time that was a design student who was also interested in photography and writing. It was intended to be a space where I didn’t feel pressured to just be any one of them but instead be all of them at once. Somehow along the way this vision became clouded by what I felt I should be sharing and I fell back into posting exclusively about my uni work which was what I was trying to move away from in the first place. I didn’t realise how uninspired I had become by it, how far I’d detoured from this original vision until recently. And so from now I want to take the time to regroup. To refocus on what I want this space to be and bring it back to being somewhere I feel I can be myself again. A place to share what I’m thinking, feeling and doing without it having to be a finished, polished thing. Without feeling like I have to have it all figured out. I want it to be a place where I can share without feeling as though I have to say something profound and thought provoking and clever. Instead a space to grow and question and learn. A space to be honest and thoughtful and open about the fact that I, along with every single other person on this planet have no clue what I’m doing most of the time and that fact that that is completely and utterly ok. I called it the authenticity project because it’s still underway, this attempt at being honest and truthful about the mess of life will never be complete and I will always have more to learn. Authenticity is fluid and ever evolving and so this space should be too. Its time for it to evolve away from trying to fit into just one category. My dream is that someday, somewhere, somehow this becomes a source of reassurance for someone that they are not alone in this feeling of not having an f-ing clue what they’re doing. A space that allows others to revel in the fact that someone else feels the same way they do, that we’re all just working it out as we go along. And the only way it will ever become that is if I commit, right here and now to being as open and honest about how I navigate the messiness life throws at me. By being truly and unapologetically myself and hoping that someone has a shred of interest in what I have to say. This is no longer a design page. I may still post designs from time to time. But from now the only goal here is to be as authentic as I can possibly be in the hopes of being true to myself and my vision. I have nothing to offer you but that. So Feel free to stay along for the ride If you’ve somehow read all the way to the end but if you’re not interested in the ramblings of a twenty one year old gal trying to live her life I truly won’t be offended, I know I can go on a bit sometimes. Over and out.